The List, Part III

Hello, my little precious doves.

We are now in day THREE of "Snomageddon Twenty Eleven", and I for one CAN'T WAIT to see pavement and grass again. Being stuck in one place for so long is starting to take a toll on my sanity. There are only so many times one can walk to the kitchen, open the fridge, realize that there is nothing new in there since the last time you looked...15 minutes ago. FIND SOMETHING TO DO OTHER THAN EAT, FATTY. Do you want to be in "The Big Booty Judy Club" forever??? Go exercise or something...oh wait...

7.) I HATE EXERCISING.
There. I said it.

And it's not in the sense that I just find it inconvenient. I AVOID it at ALL costs. I won't ever make eye contact with the runners on Riverside for fear of their judgement. I know they are looking at me driving by, sipping on my Rt. 44 Coke and munching on my QT taquitos(shameless plug), and judging. That's fine. JUDGE ME, FIT PEOPLE. I give you my permission. After all, I am the one who is consuming junk food from QT and Sonic.

I don't care.

Here's why: People who exercise LOVE it. They just brag and brag about how many miles they just ran, or how much they bench pressed last week. Blah, blah, blah. They say, working out "give them a high", and "it's so addictive". Yeeeeah...you know what else is addictive? COCAINE. Just ask Charlie Sheen. We should be discouraging such addictive things, not bragging about it. No one is bragging about how much blow they did last week. Well, except Charlie.

8.) READING.
Before I start in on this one, I have a disclaimer:

Reading is good for you. It makes your brain bigger. Or something.

That being said, I'm just not a fan. I mean, I experimented with it in junior college, but it just wasn't for me. Sometimes, books just look too big, dusty, or intimidating to me.

Come on, who has honestly read all of "Pride And Predjudice"? Not I. I started to read it, but then Cash Cab came on.

And I know I'm not alone. I can always spot the other non-readers in the crowd. Just do a little digging and you'll find them. Their Facebook profile info under "Books" usually reads:

Of Mice And Men
The Great Gatsby
Lord Of The Flies
The Crucible

Yeah, I read those classics too. Because I HAD to in high school, just like EVERYONE else.

No, no. If I'm gonna pick up something to read(other than my phone), while I'm...lets just say, "taking the kids to the pool", it has to be something that is of minimum content and maximum entertainment value. Something in the vein of "US Weekly", or "Life & Style".

Lemme give you a peek at my current list of bathroom reads:

Chelsea, Chelsea, Bang, Bang- Chelsea Handler
Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir- Kathy Griffin
Is It Just Me...Or Is It Nuts Out There?!- Whoopi Goldberg
I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings- Maya Angelou

That last one was just thrown in there to class the joint up a little. Plus, Oprah told me that its one of the books I need to read before I die. I figure I'll get to it eventually.

9.) CHILD SINGING PRODIGIES.
This list item goes out to Little Miss Jackie Evancho of "America's Got Talent" fame.

I dont have a lot to say about this one. Kids who sound like adults when they sing weird me out. Simple as that. Especially if the adult they choose to sound like is Sarah Brightman. Of all the people to emulate...the former "Mrs. Lloyd Webber"? She hasnt been relevent since..well...since the phantom was inside her mind. Come on, Jackie.

Don't get me started on Charice. Google her and try not to be creeped out.