Wednesday, February 9, 2011


Isn't that annoying?

I love Facebook. I love it. Let's be honest with ourselves is the best thing on the internet. What did we do before Mark Zuckerberg birthed(or stole, depending on whether or not you believe that sass on "The Social Network".) Facebook into existence?

Nothing, thats what.

Just bumping into each other in our dark, cold, prehistoric caves. No fire. No wheels. Just...MySpace.

That being said, I faintly remember belonging to that skanky other site once.

For a second.

A site that let anyone and everyone in. No pre-requisites. All one must do to gain membership is be "above the age of 16" and have a working e-mail address. "Yeah, I'm definitely not 13. I'm sooooo at least 16!". PROVE IT. So, naturally said networking site became over-run with middle schoolers and pedofiles. Ask any movie theater or shopping mall manager; those two groups of people can run all the decent, God fearin' folk off and KILL your business.

Bearing in mind that I am in neither one of those demographics, I left the 'Space.

As did many others. We found something better. Somehing more streamlined. Your e-mail address had to end in ".edu" to even sign up. EXCLUSIVITY was the name of the Facebook game back then.

Those were the days.

Now, such is not the case. As more and more people transplanted themselves from one internet neighborhood to another, some of their old habits are still dying hard.

Surveys(20 things you never knew about meeee)
Applications(Mafia Wars)
Ranking system(Top Friends)

Such things will land you in my "Facebook Abuser" drawer.

Facebook Abusers (FA's, for short) are oft' times the people who are still hanging on to their MySpace pasts. They are the ones who are still petitioning to be able to "customize" their page with ridiculous backgrounds and sparkly/flame name graphics. FA's are the ones who's pages take FOREVER to load because they have every horoscope/farmville/mobwars/whatever application downloading on their page.

FA's have no problems posting 782 pictures of themselves and then asking the general public for comments on each one.

"do you like it better in black in white?"
"do you like my sunglasses?"
"new haircut, what do ya guys think?"

FA's use their statuses to mainly annoy me, but to also vomit forth whatever may pass through their mind at the time being. No self-censorship needed. Just type it in and the world will know that you "jus took a showr n it wuz relxing". They will also know about your horrendous grasp on the English language. THANKS FOR THE UPDATE.

Also, FA's are often the first to fall victim to the "copy-paste-status" virus. This is touchy situation, because these statuses are sometimes(rarely) funny, sometimes amusing, and sometimes informational. Many good people are guilty of doing this and justifying it in the name of awareness. Repost this if you know someone who has one eye, re-post if you aren't ashamed of on and so on...I guess I'm in the 67% who "will not repost".

However, it is ABSOLUTELY permissible to copy and paste some very important things. Interesting things you read on, recipe links from Paula Deen, or delightful bloggers(hint, hint). PLEASE repost those things.

If you are guilty of any of these things, that's OK. It doesn't make you a bad person. Just puts you on my list. Snark, snark, snark. Now, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going to go check my Facebook.

Saturday, February 5, 2011


Greetings Loved Ones! Lets take a journey...

Well, it finally happened. I actually got out of my house today. FINALLY. My stir crazed self had started to write cryptic messages all over the walls. It was time to get out. YIKES.

I tumbled out of bed and stumbled to the kitchen, poured myself a cup of ambition and decided that enough is enough. Today was the day that I would head back into civilization. Look out world!

That has nothing to do with this post. I just wanted to use that Dolly Parton quote.

Just because you have watched "Project Runway", shopped at a thrift store, or most of your wardrobe is from Forever 21 doesn't qualify you to be an expert on fashion. I saw "The Devil Wears Prada", too.

I would like to think that I have "decent to good" taste in what I wear. "Decent", meaning i know what my sizes are at most stores and "good", meaning I try and steer clear of acid wash jeans. That being stated, I'm no fashion expert. I wear what Express tells me to.

Now, I know that there are some people out there who can legitimately say that they enjoy the culture surrounding the fashion industry. They have favorite designers, keep up with current lines from different design houses, know what's in, what's out and what's next. THIS AIN'T ABOUT YA'LL.

I'm looking at the people who think that a marathon of "What Not To Wear" makes them Tim Gunn.

Yes, I watch Project Runway.

I guess I just cant really see the point in spending $525,600 on coffee.

I'm sorry about it. I really am.
Wanna meet at Starbucks to talk it out?

Shortly after high school, I worked for another coffee franchise that was not 'bucks. I'm not naming names, but if Dave Coulier had a coffee establishment and preferred the word "java" to "coffee"... I think you get the idea. Anyway, the reason I bring it up is because STARBUCKS DRINKERS ARE ANNOYING. They come up with INSANE coffee mixtures that are 1.) not on the menu and 2.) are ridiculously intricate and specific.

Me: Welcome To J*va D*ves! How can I help you?

Customer: Yeah, I need a Tall Caramel Frappuccino Latte with skim soy milk, extra shot of EXPRESSO, three pumps of fat free creamer and two packets of Sweet 'n Low.

Me: You just ordered a Starbucks drink. This is J*va D*ves.

Customer: Can't you make it anyway?

See how that could get annoying?

Starbucks is expensive, and fattening. The end.

They are:

Inappropriate in most professional situations.
Bad for your tooth enamel.
That's all on that one.


Thursday, February 3, 2011

The List, Part III

Hello, my little precious doves.

We are now in day THREE of "Snomageddon Twenty Eleven", and I for one CAN'T WAIT to see pavement and grass again. Being stuck in one place for so long is starting to take a toll on my sanity. There are only so many times one can walk to the kitchen, open the fridge, realize that there is nothing new in there since the last time you looked...15 minutes ago. FIND SOMETHING TO DO OTHER THAN EAT, FATTY. Do you want to be in "The Big Booty Judy Club" forever??? Go exercise or something...oh wait...

There. I said it.

And it's not in the sense that I just find it inconvenient. I AVOID it at ALL costs. I won't ever make eye contact with the runners on Riverside for fear of their judgement. I know they are looking at me driving by, sipping on my Rt. 44 Coke and munching on my QT taquitos(shameless plug), and judging. That's fine. JUDGE ME, FIT PEOPLE. I give you my permission. After all, I am the one who is consuming junk food from QT and Sonic.

I don't care.

Here's why: People who exercise LOVE it. They just brag and brag about how many miles they just ran, or how much they bench pressed last week. Blah, blah, blah. They say, working out "give them a high", and "it's so addictive". know what else is addictive? COCAINE. Just ask Charlie Sheen. We should be discouraging such addictive things, not bragging about it. No one is bragging about how much blow they did last week. Well, except Charlie.

Before I start in on this one, I have a disclaimer:

Reading is good for you. It makes your brain bigger. Or something.

That being said, I'm just not a fan. I mean, I experimented with it in junior college, but it just wasn't for me. Sometimes, books just look too big, dusty, or intimidating to me.

Come on, who has honestly read all of "Pride And Predjudice"? Not I. I started to read it, but then Cash Cab came on.

And I know I'm not alone. I can always spot the other non-readers in the crowd. Just do a little digging and you'll find them. Their Facebook profile info under "Books" usually reads:

Of Mice And Men
The Great Gatsby
Lord Of The Flies
The Crucible

Yeah, I read those classics too. Because I HAD to in high school, just like EVERYONE else.

No, no. If I'm gonna pick up something to read(other than my phone), while I'm...lets just say, "taking the kids to the pool", it has to be something that is of minimum content and maximum entertainment value. Something in the vein of "US Weekly", or "Life & Style".

Lemme give you a peek at my current list of bathroom reads:

Chelsea, Chelsea, Bang, Bang- Chelsea Handler
Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir- Kathy Griffin
Is It Just Me...Or Is It Nuts Out There?!- Whoopi Goldberg
I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings- Maya Angelou

That last one was just thrown in there to class the joint up a little. Plus, Oprah told me that its one of the books I need to read before I die. I figure I'll get to it eventually.

This list item goes out to Little Miss Jackie Evancho of "America's Got Talent" fame.

I dont have a lot to say about this one. Kids who sound like adults when they sing weird me out. Simple as that. Especially if the adult they choose to sound like is Sarah Brightman. Of all the people to emulate...the former "Mrs. Lloyd Webber"? She hasnt been relevent since..well...since the phantom was inside her mind. Come on, Jackie.

Don't get me started on Charice. Google her and try not to be creeped out.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The List Continues

Ok, so because the midwest is now completely white on GoogleEarth thanks to what now is being called "Snomageddon Twenty Eleven", I thought I would give you precious doves some reading material. you know youre getting bored with facebook by now, anyway...

Just kidding, Mark Zuckerberg

As you may recall from my previous post, I'm working on a little list that i have lovingly started referring to as my "Uncomfort Zone". Ya know, just the little day to day stuff that makes my skin crawl.

Lets dig in, shall we?

4.) Flip Flops
I have very, VERY flat feet. No one needs to see that. So flat, infact, that I actually consider them a deformity. I don't even like seeing them, so I am not going to put them on display for THE WHOLE WORLD to see. Enough about my feet. Flip flops. Right. They really are not very plausible articles of foot wear, are they? What if it rains? What if I need to run somewhere? What if its RAINING and I need to RUN to get out of the rain? Now, ask yourself...are flip flops going to have your back when the going gets tough? I think we all know the answer to that.

I faintly remember Matt LeBlanc telling me once in the late 90's to not give into peer pressure and to always stand up for what I believe. And then a shooting star with a rainbow tail flew by declaring "the more you know". So, this one's for you, Matt/Joey: GET YOUR SUSHI OUT OF MY FACE. Sushi people are all the same, pushing their uncooked rolls of yuck in your face saying:

"Oh, it's so good! Just Trust Me!"


"Well, you've probably never had GOOD sushi."

No, and I wouldn't know. None of it is appealing to me.

6.) Bowling.
What? Huh? EVERYONE likes to go bowling! WRONG. Not this guy. In my experience, those types of places never really live up to their supposed potential of entertainment. Included in your bowling package are:

Judith- the "friendly" 50-something woman who will give you your rental shoes. No half sixes.
$7.00 cold nachos from the "concession stand".
NOT Glow Bowling.

I have never liked going to a poorly lit, funky smelling building full of people who are upset because "they've been bowling and smoking here since the 80's", and now it's a smoke-free facility. They're all jumpy and irritable because its been an hour since their last smoke break and the pins just aren't falling in their favor. Everything looks all swirly and they cant see the pins straight. Maybe they need a cigarette to regain their focus. Oh, wait...they cant smoke inside anymore. AHH! *throws ball at Judith*. That's a problem. You do not want to mess with league bowlers with a nicotine addiction. Life lesson.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

The List.

So, here's the deal...

This is my maiden blog. Lets see if you fools think I am half as funny as I think I am.

You know when you think something or someone is REALLY important, but youre kinda the only one who thinks it is? Well, that how I feel about me my life. I feel like I am already a celebrity and I'm ALREADY a house-hold name, and now, I'm just waiting on my late night "Chelsea Lately" style talk show. I mean, it wouldnt be EXACTLY like Ms. Handler's show. No one likes imposters,(I'm lookin' at you, "The Talk"), but, I feel like I have interesting things to say and to contribute to society...or at least make you laugh or go all, "ohmygaaawd, he's soooo right!".

So, without any farther ado shameless vehical out of obscurity: my blog.

The first thing I'd like to talk to you children about is what i refer to as "My List". This list is just a running memo i keep on my BlackBerry that consists of:

Things that make me uncomfortable.

Things I dont like.

Things I won't do.

Things people need to know about me.

Here are a few tasty morsels from my ever growing list:

1.) I dont want to be in the same room with an octopus. EVER.

They gross me out. Slimy. Squishy. NO. I think my phobia concerning them has something to do with the tentacles. There are too many of them. One is too many. I know what you're saying..."No, Grant! Octopi are cool and totes non-threatening!". No. Wrong. I didn't even see the last 13 Pirates Of The Carri-whatever-gag-me, because of the character with the tentacle beard. BUHHHH. Here's the scenario that has happened in my head many, many times. I imagine myself taking a leisurely stroll at some undisclosed aquarium on some undisclosed day, when a SUDDEN EARTHQUAKE causes the tanks in the Octopus Exhibit to shatter and the evil octopi are now on the loose and free bring their bloody/inky fury down on the innocent bystanders who just wanted to see the dolphins, anyway.

2.) I don't want to hold your baby.
Sure, your baby is cute. Of course, your baby is the most perfect baby I have ever seen. ABSOLUTELY, I think your baby will change the world by discovering the secret of teleportation, thus changing the landscape of modern travel. But, I'MA GONNA PASS on holding it/her/him. Why? Because, contrary to what most new parents seem to believe, IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOUR BABY. The issue is, I don't trust myself with more than one bottle of soda at a time, much less do I want to be responsible for the world not receiving the gift of teleportation because I dropped your precious angel baby. Probably on it's/her/his head.

3.) I'm not going to see Avatar. Back off me.
I missed the boat on this one. I didn't see it in the theater, so, what's the point? I keep hearing that the "special effects were incredible", and that it was "so cool in 3D". Two problems with this:
1.) I doubt very much that the effect will be the same on my tv at home

I don't need to give James Cameron my hard-earned $11.50 to see "Pocahontas In Space: 3D". I still haven't forgiven him for the shoddy green screen technology in "Titanic".

Well, that's all I have for now. Don't worry, though. As long as I am as neurotic as Roseanne's kid sister Jackie, my list will just keep a'growing.